They don't make them like they used to
by Tiomoid
Summary: A MGS3-MG1-MG2:SS fic. Big Boss isn't too happy with the results of the mercenaries chosen to be the bosses of Outer Heaven. Short fic, just a bit of a laugh really. Chapter 2 is Zanzibar Land
1. Outer Heaven

Big Boss looked at the line of soldiers who were to become the elite guards of Outer Heaven with a critical eye.

"So…who's first?" Big Boss looked at a list of names in his hand, "Shoot Gunner?"

"That's me." The first guy stepped forward.

"Okay. So what's your special ability?"

"I am a former member of Spetsnaz and master of riot guns. I'll be guarding the underground prison." Shoot gunner said proudly.

"Yes, but what is your special ability?"

"I guess…riot guns?" Shoot gunner cracked a little under the pressure.

Big boss's eye twitched angrily. He suppressed his rage and moved on to the next one.

"Machine Gun Kid? What's your special ability?"

"I like machine guns!"

Big Boss snapped.

"You like machine guns! Whoop de-fucking-do! When I was infiltrating Groznyj Grad every fucking guard had a machine gun! And then there was this guy! He could shoot BEES FROM HIS MOUTH! And you're telling me having a machine gun makes you special! Argh! And then there was this other guy; 'The Fear' He had double jointed elbows and leapt around the trees like a lunatic shooting poison arrows at me! And then, and then there was The End a sniper who could PHOTOSYNTHESIZE! Can any of you do that, huh? No! Coz you're fucking idiots!"

Big Boss took a moment to catch his breath and calm himself down.

"What about you?" Big Boss asked the next guy on the line.

"I'm fire trooper."

"And what do you do?"

"I…have a flamethrower." Fire trooper said nervously.

Big Boss erupted again.

"A flamethrower! Is that all! When I was infiltrating Groznyj Grad I had to fight a total psycho who had a flamethrower AND A JETPACK what good are you gonna do with just a flamethrower huh? You fucking retard." Big Boss shoved Flame trooper over.

"What are these?" Big Boss looked at the Arnolds.

"They're state of the art androids, they're virtually indestructible." Shoot Gunner explained.

"Ah, androids." Big Boss said with a hint of expectation, "Do they electrocute you when they punch you?"

"Um, no."

"Then they're shit!"

Big Boss stormed around the room ranting madly, "Oh my god, how can you all suck so much! None of you can do anything! If you were guards at Groznyj Grad you would have just been standing out in the jungle waiting for me to sneak up and shoot you in the back of the head. And this isn't even mentioning the guy who was supposed to already be dead who got inside my head and started messing me while I was half drowning in a river! None of you can do anything, ANYHTING AT ALL that is remotely interesting?"

"I can touch my nose with my tongue!" Coward Duck announced and proceeded with a demonstration.

Big Boss grabbed Coward Duck and CQC'd him to the ground face first.

"Fucking retards!" Big Boss screamed exasperatedly to himself as he marched out of the room.


	2. Zanzibar Land

"Okay Fox. I'll admit I dropped the ball a bit when appointing my officers in Outer Heaven, so the bosses of Zanzibar Land are entirely up to you." Big Boss instructed and took a seat while Grey Fox paced up and down in front of the line of soldiers.

"Okay then, what's your name?"

"My name is Schneider, I was leader of the resistance at Outer Heaven. But now I'm a NASA Ninja and my name is Black Colour."

There was a long pause.

"You're a ninja?" Grey Fox asked

"Yep."

"From NASA?"

"Yep."

"But how—never mind. How are you gonna beat Solid Snake?"

"I'm going to teleport around the room and throw ninja stars at him!"

"You do know he'll have a gun. We could just give you this AK and you can teleport around the room and shoot the hell out of him." Fox suggested, fighting of his urge to shoot Black Colour in the head for being such a twat.

"No, I'd rather do things my way." Black Colour replied ignorantly

"Just go and wait for him in the Zanzibar building first floor."

Black Colour teleported away.

"Right, who's next?" Fox sighed.

"I'm Running Man. I was a short distance runner at the Barcelona Olympics. After I was banned for the athletes association for doping I joined European terrorists."

"Wow, that's…quite a slide you took there. An Olympic athlete becoming a soldier."

"It's not as uncommon as you would think. I'm looking at you prisoner girl." Running Man said and pointed accusingly at Natasha who was tied up in the corner.

"Okay then Running Man. How are you gonna beat Snake, run him to death? Can you outrun a bullet?" Fox asked sarcastically.

Big Boss interrupted, "Fox, don't forget all the guns in Zanzibar land only fire bullets at 10 metres a second and they vanish after about 15 metres."

"But I won't just be running." Running Man defended himself, "I'll fill the room with nerve gas and then run away until Snake suffocates."

"How will you breathe?"

"Oh, don't worry about that."

Grey Fox looked at him angrily for a few moments before taking a long sigh, "Go and wait for him in the building across the swamp…and don't forget to lock the door so Snake can't just go outside when he's running out of breath."

"Ya know what." Big Boss decided to make another comment, "Let's use another Hind D against him."

"But he blew it up last time, quite easily." Fox reminded.

"Yes but last time, we didn't actually _fly_ it did we. No, this time things will be very different. You two, go and sit and wait in the cockpit until Snake shows up." Big Boss pointed to two guards.

"Who's next?" Grey Fox moved down the line.

"I am Red Blaster. An explosives maniac in red."

"But you're wearing green." Fox's voice squeaked in exasperation.

"Uh, I think I'd know I did major in assassination at Rumumba University."

"You know what, I don't even care. Just go to the 30th floor of the Tower Building. Next."

"We are Ultrabox! Close-quarter assassins." The four mercenaries said in perfect unison.

"Okay…"

"Good a bit of 4 on 1 CQC should sort Snake out no problem." Big Boss said with a smile.

"We're gonna jump into the lift in the tower building and shoot at him from four directions."

"Wait, I thought you said close quarters!" Grey Fox massaged his temples, "Just go wait in the lift shaft before I explode."

"I am predator. I'm an expert in guerrilla fighting I'll wait in the corn fields and ambush Snake when he gets past all those other winos." Predator marched out the door.

"Woah, what was that about?" Fox asked

"I guess there just wasn't anything funny about him." Big Boss replied.

"Well that's all of them." Fox sighed.

"Hey you forgot about me!"

"What? Who said that?"

"I am Night Sight. I am invisible. I will kill Solid Snake."

"Wow, this guys great!" Grey Fox exclaimed

"But…"

"Oh God." Grey Fox's moment of salvation was shattered.

"I have to turn visible to shoot."

"Oh, well that's not, so bad. I mean you can actually turn invisible."

"However…"

"Oh God."

"I demand to be in a room made up of different types for flooring so he can always hear where I am."

"You are an idiot! Just get out of here."

"There's just no hope is there." Big Boss sighed

"We're doomed."


End file.
